The 'Talk'
by A-blackwinged-bird
Summary: The guys reminisce... oneshot. Rated for subject matter.


Author's Note: Dirty talk and mild cursing ensue.

* * *

"...and the road becomes my bride, I have stripped of all but pride-"

Sam reached out and turned the 'volume' knob all the way to the left. "Dean-"

"Sam- what the- what are you doing? This is Wherever I May Roam, it's a classic!"

"And it's the fifth time we've heard it today!" Sam replied, his eyes widening in exasperation. "Can't we talk for a little while?"

"Absolutely not."

"Dean…"

Dean rolled his eyes. "What, Sam? Since you're obviously not going to let me have any peace until we hit Tulsa- what do you want to talk about?"

Sam offered a faint, brief smile at his triumph. "I was just thinking, about when we were kids."

For a heartbeat, the Impala's purr was the only noise in the car. Then Dean raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

Sam settled back against the leather seat. "Yeah." He waited for Dean to take the bait.

Dean focused on the road before them for a few seconds, his jaw clenched. The finally he huffed, "And?"

Sam smiled and watched as they passed a herd of black cows. "Remember when I was nine? I was in fourth grade, and had that really hot blonde teacher, you remember?"

Dean chuckled. "Man, that was a long time ago. What was her name?"

"Ms. Robinson. I had such a crush on her…"

"You?" Dean snorted, "What about me! I was jealous!"

"Really? So that's why you always wanted to walk me home after school…"

"Damn straight," Dean huffed. "Before she got in her car to go home, she'd undo the top buttons on her blouse… take her hair down…" Dean shifted in his seat. "Man, she was hot."

Sam noticed the color creeping into Dean's cheeks and he looked out the window, grinning. "That's the year you gave me 'The Talk'."

"What talk?"

Sam swung his head to stare at Dean. "You know. 'The Talk'."

Dean shook his head. "No, I don't. What talk?"

Sam took a breath and leaned towards the window. "You know… the _sex _talk."

Dean's eyes narrowed, then he broke into a brilliant grin. "Oh yeah- _that_ talk!"

Sam shook his head. "Idiot," he mumbled.

"Dude, cut me a break. It was like… 13 years ago."

"It was _only_ a major milestone in my life!"

"You think_ that_ was a milestone? Man, I'm sorry."

Sam frowned at the way Dean laughed. "I was young and impressionable! It was _supposed_ to be an influential speech from a man of experience!"

Dean was laughing so hard he was making choking sounds.

Sam crossed his arms and looked out the window, secretly hoping Dean _did _choke on his tongue. "Shut up."

"Hey, you came to me, remember?"

"Dad was gone! Who was I supposed to go to?"

Dean rolled his eyes and opened his mouth, but no words came out.

"Exactly." Sam looked at Dean. "You were my older brother. I admired you, you know. A long time ago."

Dean grinned. "I was your hero, little brother, and I still am."

"Whatever." Sam hated it when Dean laughed at him- mocked him- when he was trying to be serious.

"Aw come on… are you gonna be pissy now? Fine, I'm sorry. Happy?"

Yes he was. A corner of Sam's mouth twitched in a half-smile. "You were wrong, you know."

"Wrong?"

"In your talk. You were wrong about something."

"I'm never wrong."

"Well I didn't know it at the time, but now I do."

"Oh yeah?" Dean looked at him wolfishly. "What was I wrong about?"

Sam blushed at the vivid images of soft blonde hair and silky smooth skin. "I'm not going to tell you!"

"Well then how do you know I was wrong?"

"Because it didn't work!"

Dean snorted. "_It_ didn't work? Dude, they have pills for that sorta thing."

"Asshole. Shut up."

Dean laughed. "Hey, you started it. You're the one who brought up the whole 'Birds and the Bees' thing."

"I'm starting to regret it."

Dean fell silent for a moment, smiling at whatever images replayed themselves in his mind's eye. "And for your information, my talk was a Hell of a lot better than the one Dad gave me."

"Nothing could be worse that the crap you told me." Sam shook his head, remembering Dean's lecture like it was yesterday. His immature, nine-year old mind had been perverted by Dean's every word. "You told me that if I jerked off every night, it would grow bigger."

Dean erupted in laughter and was soon gasping for air. The Impala drifted over the center line of the deserted highway. "Yeah, that was a good one, wasn't it…"

"Oh there's plenty more where that came from! You told me girls liked it when guys 'adjusted' themselves in public, so I spent three months with my hand on my crotch before someone asked if I needed to go to the doctor."

Dean's face was turning red as his laughing became hysterical. "I… you… what an… idiot…"

Getting bolder, Sam plowed on. "Remember the analogy you used? You said I had millions of _sea monkeys_ inside my… testicles… and they would… enter… a girl and grow into a baby."

Dean was wiping tears from his eyes.

"Sea monkeys, Dean! You said sperm was_ sea monkeys_!"

Dean's voice was high-pitched when he answered, "That was a good one…"

"And don't get me started on the condom thing."

"Oh no… please do…"

Sam set his jaw, looking away. His cheeks were burning up, and he adjusted the Impala's air vent. "I asked you for protection and you gave me a .45... What kind of brotherly advice is that!"

"Oh come on, Sam… I was just playin' with you."

"Having 'blue balls' for too long causes them to fall off? Masturbation causes pimples? Dean, I was ruined!"

Dean broke down in laughter again. "Blue… pimples…"

"Do you even realize that that conflicts with the other bullshit you told me!"

"And look at you now, ya big stud muffin."

"I was so messed up! Thank God for Sex Ed."

"Hey, you were so young and innocent… I couldn't help myself."

"You were my big brother. You were supposed to say stuff like, make sure the car doors are locked or make sure her parents _really_ aren't home."

Dean's eyes got wide. "Did you really…?"

Sam blushed. "Once. I learned my lesson pretty quickly."

"Ah, you ain't livin' till you've been chased by her enraged father while your pants are around your ankles."

They passed a large green sign reading announcing Tulsa was 21 miles away. Sam looked at Dean. "So what did Dad tell _you_?"

"Dad's advice was: More than two shakes and you're playing with it." Dean snorted. "Poor guy was scared to death. He could look Hell in the eye but couldn't talk to his son about sex."

"So how'd you learn what you know?"

Dean grinned. "Experience."

Sam snorted. "You wish."

"I did!"

"Yeah, you spent a lot of time in your room with the door closed- but you were the only one in there!"

"How do you know a girl didn't come in through the window?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Cuz Dad would've killed you, that's why."

"Fine," Dean relented. "I read a lot of magazines."

"I know." _Shit!_

"You know?"

"I don't know… I-"

"Wait a minute- you looked at my Playboys? You-" Dean's eyebrows rose. "Dude, that's disgusting!"

"What? I'm not the one who got the pages all-"

"Shut up!" Dean stabbed a finger at the radio and Metallica flooded the car.

Sam simply smiled, his gaze lingering on Dean a while longer before turning to stare out the window. Out of all his horrible advice, Dean had been right about one thing…

Practice does make perfect.

END


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